How?

So yesterday we came back from a wonderful vacation in Cancun. I came back to the news that a school friend’s wife had expired suddenly. For a split second, his face flashed before me. I looked at my husband sitting next to me…so many things running through my head. What must my friend be feeling, how unimaginable his situation is. Just yesterday my husband as always jokingly told me, what will you do if I die suddenly? I as always, in a nonchalant way, snapped back at him, saying ‘I know you won’t!’ But that’s something I say out loud to mask the fear of ever losing him. The truth is, I cannot imagine him not being around. I cannot imagine not hearing his voice, not seeing him come through the front door, not hearing my name from this mouth, not so so many things…

Spouse is like your other half, the other side of yourself. Marriages are not made in heaven, they are made on this very earth by two people who want to make what of it. If all turns out well, then your other half is the best thing that ever happens to you. We spend most of our lives with our partners,much more than the parents we are born to. Experiencing life, growing up, taking decisions, failing, succeeding, enlightenment, feelings,triumph, grief, madness, and so on and so forth….there is so many things we experience with our other halves in this lifetime. They become a part of our lives in the most intrinsic way, such that it’s almost like breathing. 

Loss in any form is hard. When it comes to partners, there are difficult moments like divorce and separation some of us have had to go through. The pain is deep, the scars take long to heal. Death is imminent. But death is difficult to accept. Death is difficult to grasp. The thought of the person gone is a void in the head. The blank space remains stared at…white and whiter. I have no answer of how to live without my husband. As humans, we are capable of all. But the thought disturbs me. Makes me nervous. Rattles my
existence. How do you do it? 

I will hug my husband a bit harder once he comes back home today. That I know the answer to.